Grieving the Loss of a Baby

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Losing a baby to birth injuries or negligence is devastating for parents. The grief process is a difficult path to navigate and has no timeline. Resources and support from both professionals and close family and friends can help.

Normal Emotions After Losing a Baby

Whether you lost your child to stillbirth, labor complications, or anything else, grief comes with a lot of emotions. All grief is difficult and valid, but losing a baby can trigger deeper feelings and more pain than other types of loss.[1]

There is no wrong way to feel during this time. Everyone’s journey is different, but these are some of the challenging emotions and reactions parents have:

• Shock, confusion, and denial
• Intense isolation and loneliness, even when supported by others
• Deep depression and sadness
• Intense anger directed at the hospital or doctors
• Anger directed at loved ones or parents who still have their children
• Resentment toward your other children
• Anxiety and worry over the safety of other loved ones
• Guilt and a feeling of having failed as a parent
• Hope for the future followed by guilt for feeling that way
• Physical symptoms, such as nausea or pain
• A strong maternal instinct that feels unsatisfied

Remember that whatever you feel as you grieve is acceptable. As uncomfortable as it might be, it is not wrong.

How to Cope with the Loss of a Baby

Just as there is no one way to grieve, there is no single right way to heal. Keep this in mind and also remember that while you will never get over this loss, it will get easier with time.

There are many acceptable and healthy ways to cope:[2]

• Give yourself time and be patient. There is no official timeline for grief.
• Talk about your child with others.
• Allow yourself to do things that help you feel close to your baby. Spend time with the things you bought for them. Visit the cemetery. Create a memorial.
• Keep a journal to write about how you feel day to day.
• Spend time with loved ones who are supportive in positive ways.
• Find and work with a counselor or therapist who specializes in this type of grief.
• Join a support group to listen to and share with other parents.
• Take care of yourself. It isn’t selfish to continue to eat well, sleep, and get exercise.
• Attend religious or spiritual ceremonies if your faith helps you feel better.

This is a short list of things you can do to cope and begin to heal. As long as it isn’t destructive to yourself or others, there is no wrong way to get through this.

How to Carry on with Normal Life

As you go through the slow process of healing and learning to live with this loss, you’ll face ordinary, day-to-day tasks. It might seem impossible to face these ordinary things right now, but it will get easier again.

Rely on loved ones as much as possible just to get through everyday tasks. Until you feel able to cope on your own, let them help you with chores and errands.

When you are ready to tackle these things yourself, or if you have no choice but to get on with it, start small. Make short, manageable lists for things that need to be done, such as eating, showering, or cleaning. Break your days down into small time periods you can manage.

Resources for Parents

Resources that can help grieving parents include information, organizations that work with grief and loss, support groups, groups for sharing experiences, and more:

• Share. Share is a national organization that supports families who lost a baby. The group’s primary mission is to help people navigate grief, but it also offers resources and education. Families can get virtual assistance and join in free memorial events.[3]

• The Compassionate Friends. This group is a resource for families that have lost a child at any age. You can find over 600 chapters of the organization in every state in the U.S. Compassionate Friends provides educational resources, private grief support groups, a crisis hotline, and local events.[4]

• Alive Alone. Alive Alone helps grieving parents but particularly those who have lost their only child or all their children. They connect families with each other for support and provide information, resources, and opportunities to create memorials for a child.[5]

• NICU Helping Hands. This group supports families with babies in the NICU, including those who ultimately lose their child. They have several resources, including the Angel Gown Program, which provides grieving families with a custom-made gown for final photos. The Mom CONNECT program brings moms together for mutual support.[6]

• Pregnancy After Loss Support. Women who lost a baby often feel guilty and scared about getting pregnant again. This group helps women in this situation find support from others.[7]

• SUDC Foundation. Although SUDC stands for sudden unexplained death in childhood, this group supports parents of children lost to any illness or accident. They fund research and bring awareness to the issue but also provide important resources and information to parents.[8]

• Children’s Bereavement Center. This group began as a resource for children experiencing grief but has expanded to help people of all ages. The group hosts a free and virtual support group for perinatal and infant loss.[9]

• Baby Steps. Baby Steps is an online resource for parents grieving a child. It provides a safe place for parents to share their experiences and create memorials. The group also supports research for childhood illnesses and offers information and resources.[10]

Taking Legal Action Might Provide Closure

If you know or believe your child died because of medical malpractice or negligence, you have a right to take legal action against those responsible.

It might seem selfish now, but taking this action can provide a valuable sense of relief because it helps you do something to right the wrong. It also helps hold negligent medical professionals accountable for their mistakes that have such devastating consequences.

Contact a birth injury lawyer to find out what your options are. Suing or seeking a settlement won’t bring back your child, but it can help you get justice for them.

How to Support a Grieving Parent

If you know someone who lost their child to a birth injury or wrongful death, you want to support them but might not be sure how. This is a difficult situation, but don’t be afraid to reach out. Saying something or offering to help, even if it feels awkward, shows that you care. That alone can make a big difference.

Most people struggle to know what to say to someone who has experienced such significant loss. Here are some ideas of positive words of support and things not to say:

• Provide sincere condolences. Simply saying that you’re sorry for their loss is often enough.
• Offer to help in any way they need. Keep it open-ended and just let them know that you’re there to help if they want to reach out.
• Don’t be afraid to say nothing at all and to be there just to sit in silence with your friend who is grieving.
• Don’t say that you know how they must feel if you haven’t been through something similar.
• Avoid any platitudes about it being God’s will or that their child is in a better place.

Sometimes practical help is the best thing you can do in this situation. Provide meals or offer to do the household chores. Take on any tasks you can that they’re struggling with while they grieve.

Grieving the loss of a baby is a process no parent should have to go through, but it happens. If you are in this situation, rely on loved ones, take your time, do what feels right, and seek professional help if you need it.